Live.Like.A.Rockstar
Be confident. Be awesome.

Jan
20

A little late, but only by a couple weeks.

So things are looking up. Stress levels around the house are at an all time low, and I dare say I am happier than I have been in a long while. Last year, I started working on a complete self-makeover, from the inside out. I know I still have a long ways to go on my emotions and social problems, but I am back on the right track! For this year, I have started working on the outside. I am eating healthier, getting out more, and taking better care of my outward appearance. I have been feeling great, too. I feel the SUPERSTAR has made a triumphant return!

2011 I am aiming to be better than 2010. I had some pretty awesome moments and breakthroughs in 2010, so I am pretty confident.  My resolutions for 2011 are to be more proactive and to be less angry.

I am in the middle of my Pathophysiology with Pharmacology II and Career Planning classes. I am not doing as well as I would like. I got my first F on an assignment in the biology class, which is a huge hit to my pride, because I have never in my life gotten less than A in a biology class. Not even in high school. The F did not come from me not knowing the material either, because I do. It came because my PowerPoint presentation didn’t look like how the teacher wanted, despite her never once telling the class how she wanted it. I feel it’s unfair. And she won’t let me redo it. I do not like this professor. My final grade can’t be any higher than a B, so she’s ruined my 4.0 GPA.

On the other hand, I am doing a lot better in my Career Planning class than I had anticipated, so it almost balances out. Almost.
On Dr. Phil recently, he did a show about high school and college students that cheat and will do anything to get A’s. And he made a really good point that if you are learning the material, and maintaining a healthy life outside of school, who cares if you get B’s? They are only grades. So I decided to not stress out about assignments anymore, even if the upcoming one in CP is a mock interview video.

I am considering switching my degree. The further I get into the program and the more I learn about actually landing a Coding job, the more I realize I am going for the wrong degree. It’s very limited in what it qualifies me to do. I dropped an email off to my advisor to see what it would take to switch to a General Studies degree, so I can then just enroll for the Bachelor of Science Business Administration degree afterwards. I could still get work in a medical office with that degree paired with the medical classes I have taken. I would have more options for where I could get work that way, too.

Hopefully, a better update sooner than 6 weeks next time. Something worth reading at least!

Dec
02

I am a little shocked that it hasn’t been since September 6th that I last updated. The last 3 months have flown by apparently. I haven’t updated lately, because I haven’t exactly been feeling like much of a rockstar. There has been many set-backs on my personal progress that I have been trying to deal with. On the positive side, these setbacks have only slowed my progress, instead of reverting it.

So now time for insightful words.

Damn, don’t really have any yet.

How about updates?

Okay, those I have. School is going well. I have maintained a 4.0 GPA and I am currently taking Pathophysiology with Pharmacology and Healthcare Management. There’s about 3 weeks left in the session and I will be starting Pathophysiology with Pharmacology II and Career Planning on January 2nd. Each class is getting harder and harder and requires more time spent studying and doing homework. I don’t know how single mothers with jobs are able to keep up, because some weeks, I can barely keep up myself.

The Holidays will be stressful this year, because there is very little money and we’ve got a mess to deal with. I won’t elaborate for personal reasons. I am going to make candy, like I do every year, but I am trying a few new things and a couple new truffle filling recipes. I am going to make petit fours this year too. They’re delicious. The portions I mail out will be smaller than normal though.

My reading has slowed a bit now that I have to dedicate more time to studying. However, I am currently reading the Dresden Files (only on book one still) and I have Crescendo waiting for when I finish Dresden Files. Crescendo is the sequel to Hush, Hush. A pretty entertaining YA book about a fallen angel.

I have a new story I am working on writing as well. I haven’t added it to my writing journal yet, but I will soon as I get time. It’s a fun little story that I work on when I feel bad, because it helps me feel better due to the humor of the characters. As most of my stories are, its an urban fantasy. Sort of a cross between Dresden Files, Harry Potter, X-files and Men in Black. Its not a ripoff or fan-fiction, but the premise is most similar to those, to give an idea. In this story, wizards rule the (under)world mafia-style and the supernatural citizens all work towards making the normal humans think the unexplained happenings are the fault of aliens, which don’t really exist. The main character is unique and as far as I know, something no one has used. I hope.

Grant’s mum asks me why I don’t just write about normal stuff. Like romance. lol If she only knew … I have so many germinal ideas for romance books it’s not even funny. I just haven’t put effort into writing them because I feel a little weird about it. It’s stuff that appeals to me and my libido so I worry about feeling exposed. I dunno, someday I will pen them I imagine. At least even if only for writing practice.

I will try to write more substance. I should be able to now that the source of my strife will be gone soon. Hopefully I will be back to myself before long. I miss me.

Sep
06

A fitting title considering Mercury really is in retrograde until September 12th. But was does it mean? When a planet is in retrograde, depending on the sign it is in, chaos ensues. Especially when it’s Mercury. Mercury is the winged messenger, and effects communication. Miscommunication and glitches with our communication devices are more prone to happen.

For me, nothing could be further from the truth. I have no updated this blog in a while because I made a promise to myself last year that I would not speak negatively about anyone on the internet ever again. And the last month and half or so have been difficult on me. I did not relapse, thank goodness, but I did end up taking a few steps backwards.

A change in my living conditions caused a tremendous amount of stress on me, for many reasons. Most I won’t go into details, because I don’t want to air dirty laundry of those involved. The issues that effected me directly however, I do want to write about, in hopes that it can bring me a little bit of peace. I have four new house guests, and each one represents a stereotype that I am not initially comfortable with. I lost my comfort sphere, and when that happens, I tend to freak out. For lack of better words. It has been a month already, and I am still trying to adjust. I do not hate these people. Far from it actually. But living in close proximity to people that represent things that make me feel bad is tough. But the one thing I have learned about myself, is that once the freaking out is done and out of my system, I am adaptable.

I lost a lot; physically, mentally and emotionally, through this. I nearly dropped out of school, I lost my sweet kitty, I lost my chance to get a job for this coming tax season and I lost a bit of my personal progress. But, I will just grow from this experience, and I am letting it fuel my desires to better myself, instead of letting it defeat me. It is also great practice for my new ‘anti-passive-aggressive’ attitude towards things.

The past two months have not been all bad. I reconnected with Shane, a good friend that I met back in 1999. He’s doing so well for himself and I am so proud of him. I wish someday he will be able to see that. I also got my first Mac last week, which has been an awesome adventure. I now know how PC newbies feel when first turning on their new computer. It’s all so foreign. haha

School-wise, I am doing ok. I am on the Chancellor’s List, and getting A’s, but I don’t feel I am learning as much as I need to be. I also found out that my degree program is being discontinued, so I have to pick a new one soon. Since I already have a few medical classes under my belt, I am going to just switch to a different healthcare degree program. Maybe Administration, since it feeds directly into the Bachelor’s program. My other option is Health Information Technology, which is a bit stricter than the AS program. But it seems like it will be more rewarding. I need one more class in order to qualify, then I will have to take a background check, and entrance exam in order to go into the HIT program. But I have a few weeks still to decide.

I am glad I chose the healthcare industry. Recent government reports say that healthcare will be the industry leader in new jobs until 2018, as the population ages and requires additional medical care.

I gave up my gaming addiction several months ago, because I finally recognized how toxic it was. I still play on occasion, when I have a couple hours to kill, but otherwise, there’s other things I would rather do. I am still working on my novel, too. I don’t do as much art as I used to, but I am hoping that changes with my new Mac and that massive Adobe Master Collection to go with it.  I could totally make epic videos… if I knew how or had something pertinent to show the world. haha

My brother-in-law has started pushing my sister and I to starting our business. We started making chocolate candies as a hobby, and I have been making them every Christmas to send out instead of purchased gifts. He says we should totally start selling them online and at craft fairs, because they’re really good. (and because he wants some of his money back for all that’s put in to the chocolate for our experimenting.) While I can’t eat peanut butter, I hear the peanut butter cups my sister makes are divine. My specialty is homemade marshmallows and truffles. I made about 12 dozen candies (yes, over 140) recently, and sent about 9 dozen to Shane and my family polished the rest off. It’s fun to play in chocolate. If I could do it as my job for the rest of my life, I would be in heaven!

Jun
26

Webster’s Dictionary defines Perception as:

1 a : a result of perceiving : observation b : a mental image : concept
2 obsolete : consciousness
3 a : awareness of the elements of environment through physical sensation <color perception> b : physical sensation interpreted in the light of experience
4 a : quick, acute, and intuitive cognition : appreciation b : a capacity for comprehension

My perceptions have been altered drastically over the course of the last 19 months. My universe, my reality, was flipped upside down. And it wasn’t because of some earth-shattering experience or tragic occurrence. I just happened to “wake-up” one day. That day, I looked at the world with a new perception; with different eyes. I don’t know what caused the change, but I am grateful it happened.

So what did change exactly? Well, the way I see myself, for one. And the way I see my relationships with others, for another. My entire outlook on life changed.

Myself:
I have mentioned this a couple times before, but I used to see myself as the helpless victim. The person who was only trying to do right by people, but always seemed to be tossed out with the garbage anyway. I never understood why every relationship (friendship, or otherwise) ended up that way. But I know now. I thought I knew the world. But I really had no idea.

It’s hard to put into words exactly what has all changed and how. I just know that I see things differently now. I can see other perspectives. I can relate a bit better. And the biggest change, I know that honesty really is the best policy. (I wasn’t an out and out liar, but I hid the truth from people whenever it was bad news)

These days, I know that I am only the victim of myself. I have no one to blame for things, but myself. But I am changing that. I’m a ROCK.STAR now. The only person who can stand in the way of my dreams, is me. And its my problem, if I let other’s stop me.

Relationships with Others:
No agendas. No hidden motives. Nothing but honesty. I speak my mind now. I use tact still of course, but I want people to be able to trust me, to know where they stand with me. I don’t sugar coat anything anymore. I am just me. If people don’t like what I have to say, I have accepted that is their problem, not mine. I don’t need to impress anyone but myself, so I don’t kiss anyone’s ass, nor am I a ‘yes-man’ anymore.

Forgiveness is the number one thing I have learned in my path of anger management. So my relationships with others have improved since I have been able to forgive. Also, I am only  hurting myself by holding on to grudges, and its not healthy. High blood pressure and all.

Life:
Life is to be appreciated, and loved ones cherished.

There is a big world out there, beyond my perception. I have only been given glimpses, but I understand now that it’s out there. And people live the way they want to live, and it’s not my place to judge that. I am allowed to not agree with everything, and I am entitled to my opinions. But so is everyone else on the planet.

I appreciate the gift I have been given and the chance to make things right. I am only saddened that it came when I am 32 and considered ‘old’. I feel like I started 10 years too late. But I had 10 years of living in isolation in the recesses of my mind. I still have a lot of life ahead of me, and I will make the best of it.

Jun
19

Okay, so a bit of a life update of sorts.

Finals are done on Monday. I will have a break till July 4th, then my single summer class starts. I will be learning Medical Terminology for the summer! woopwoop… ahaha The current term was very stressful for me, which made me a little paranoid because they are considered easy classes. Business Math and English Composition. Eng Comp was a very humbling class, because I thought I was a better writer than it turns out I am. But I learned! I improved!

My last entry embarrasses me a little. It’s very reminiscent of my past whiny-ness. That’s something I am trying to curb, because its immature.

I just purchased another laptop today. It should arrive in about 4 days. This made me nervous because I don’t enjoy spending large amounts of money on just one item. But I needed it, because my current laptop is behaving like a little senile old man.

On the away-from-the-computer front … I spent a large amount of time this past week with  my sister and her kids. We spent the day at the Denver Zoo on Wednesday, which wasn’t too terrible, all things considered. *coughterribletwos* I am getting sun this year, so I look human. My vampire secret identity has been foiled. (but I am still kinda keeping those hours, cuz I am a natural night-owl).

I started a writing blog, which I do just random free-writes. I did this to maintain practice while I plot and plan my books. I won’t be linking it just yet, because my ideas are still a bit personal and I am protective of my creative ideas. Lately, I have more interest in reading and writing, than I do art, so my art is suffering. I haven’t actually opened Photoshop in about 5 months. I just don’t really care to be artistic while there’s so many books to read or stories to write. I need more hours in the day!

I am an awesome rock.star! I have been putting my new honesty outlook into play, and I gotta admit, it’s liberating! As long as I conduct myself openly and honestly, I can be confident when talking to people. No hidden agendas, so I don’t assume others have them either.

May
25

My first real college courses started last week; English Composition and Business Math. I am not a happy camper.

Okay, so I know that I am not perfect. I’m perfectly aware I don’t know everything. I know there’s room for improvement in everything I do. I know all this. But I also believe there some things I am good at, and that I have a good grasp on. I think I am good at writing. At least, informal writing and creating ideas. Formal writing, and college-level writing … yeah, not so much. I know I abuse commas, and I know I have poor sentence structure when I write. That’s because I write how I talk, using commas for pauses.

So when it’s pointed out that I have a serious problem that needs to be fixed right away, and I am given a mile-long list of websites to study to help my grammar problems … I took it hard. Mainly, because there are things on that list that I thought I knew well enough to not worry about. Pronouns and apostrophes specifically.

And I write “intrusive rhetoric” which I am still not sure what that means, because I wrote a discussion board about my hobby of digital art.

Ego smash.

And in my math class, I had equally humbling experience. My mother laughed at me, saying that it was about time my bubble popped. Whatever that means.

Seeing two B’s in my ‘grade’ columns sucks, but they are not why I am upset. I’m upset because of the comments that went along with those grades. And in Math, my B is because I was careless with the calculations, not for lack of knowledge. Ugh, I’m beginning to realize now why I slacked so bad in high school. I can’t take the criticism.

Delia, you are not as far along the path as you thought you were. You still need to work on not taking everything so personally. Realize, you are doing good, but you have a long way to go still. Be patient and don’t get discouraged. You can do this, just don’t give up, or go back to where you were. Stay positive!

May
22

This is a topic I have been thinking a lot on lately. As I came to grips with my anger problems, and started adjusting and becoming more of the woman I want to be, my view on honesty changed drastically. I used to be the type of girl that didn’t want to disappoint anyone, or ever say anything negative, or never be the bearer of bad news. So my strategy was to sugar coat everything, or leave out the bad stuff. In some cases, I wouldn’t talk to the person who I had to say something negative to. This worked for nearly 30 years. I thought it made me a noble person, a tactful person, because I showed compassion towards the other person’s feelings.

Little did I know, I was lying to people in the worst way by doing that. People deserve to hear the truth, even if its not good news. People respect (usually, if they don’t have mental issues themselves) when they are being told the truth. I also learned that by “protecting” people from the truth, I was showing that I didn’t trust them to handle the truth.

It took some time, and I am still progressing, but I am very close to where I want to be. Today, I am honest with everyone I encounter. I don’t sugarcoat anything. I am 100% upfront about everything, so there is never any question of hidden agendas or malicious intent. People aren’t quite used to that, and its natural for others to be defensive, but overall, I am a better and happier person now because of it. Its refreshing to talk to someone, and now in my heart that I have nothing to feel guilty for, and to know that they can trust me. If they do or not, is something else entirely.

My whole life, all I have wanted to do is encourage and empower others to reach their potential. That’s it. Because I never had anyone in my life to do that for me, I figured it could be my job. My methods may not have always worked, but that intent never changed. And there are a few times when my anger effected the methods, so I did act in a very unbecoming way. But those incidents were rare, and now that I am aware, they won’t happen again.

My passive-aggressive wallflower days are over. I conduct myself with confidence now, and I am honest and upfront with everyone. I just wish the world could change like that. But one person at a time!

Apr
15

It has been too long since I last updated. My original goal was to update at least once a week. But that fell through. While I may have turned a new leaf on who I am, its still a work-in-progress. My confidence is still rather low, but I am working on it.

School started almost 2 weeks ago. Things are going well so far, A’s in my current classes, but to be fair, they’re not that difficult. First one is a college intro class designed to acclimate the students to life as a student, and the second class is a basic computer information and literacy class. Its been challenging fitting in time for classes and homework. But I am still excited that I am doing the right thing and my life is finally headed in a positive direction. (as opposed to stagnating in the same place it was for 12 years.)

I’m learning about APA style writing, and how to research and cite sources. Its quite different from the free-flow I use. My first assignment got me a comment from the teacher that said my writing style is awkward, so I need to work on my sentence structure. I suppose that’s always been a problem with me; communicating effectively. Oh well, that’s what school’s for, to teach me the proper ways.

I had a bit of a relapse a few weeks ago. Nothing major, but it sure has put me in a creative slump. I can’t draw or write without massive amounts of stress creeping up to bite me. So I have stayed away from writing and drawing till I feel the ‘pull’ to return, so that I won’t stress myself out. Its important for me to reduce my stress nowadays, since I had a stroke a few weeks ago. Gotta lower the blood pressure and all.

I’ve been getting outside while its nice. My skin’s got color this year, which is awesome. And I am sleeping normal hours so there goes rumors of me being a vampire. haha

I also started reading the Southern Vampire Mysteries, which I have to admit, are friggen awesome. I am glad they made a series based on them, and I can’t wait for season 3 of True Blood to start in June.

Hopefully I can get back on track and keep updating at least once a week, even if I have nothing of substance to add. Writing is a good practice and exercise.

Mar
03

I felt all empowered last week, but that has fizzled a bit. Not entirely though, so I haven’t lost hope!  I still am feeling all motivated for positive life change and am ready to get on with my life now.

Old habits are hard to break though.

Looking forward: I am now enrolled in college! This is a major step in my life, because while I had always wanted to go to college, I never thought I would be able to. I’m proud of myself for taking the steps I needed to head in the right direction.

I’m going to be studying to get an Associates in Medical Coding. Not the most glamorous profession, nor is it a dream by any means, but its a solid, positive future for myself. Its in a field that is “recession-proof” which is more important to me than being able to learn all the “fun” stuff that I want to. I need a good job, to support my hobbies afterall.

School starts on April 4th. I’m nervous and excited. I’m hoping that I will be able to maintain my motivation to do good with classes.

I still feel like a ROCKSTAR! I’m still awesome, and doing good things! I’m on the right path with my life, for the first time in 14 years.

I also started working on a brand new story. A bit more realistic than the romantic fantasy stories I have worked on in the past. I have a bad habit of not finishing anything I start (creative-wise, like art and stories) so I want this new story to be my first novel that I see through to completion, because its the story that came to me after my “awakening”. Its got a good premise, I think. I may post up some of the chapters as I complete them.

I will probably do up some character art for the story too, to keep my art fingers from getting rusty. 😛

Feb
19

Welcome to my blog! I’m beginning a new journey this week, and I’ve started this blog to keep track of the progress. I don’t expect many readers or people to follow my writings, but I will be writing each blog entry as if I were an awesome rockstar with the best fans in the world!

Let me start by posting a little about myself, and the journey I have embarked upon.

My name is Delia, and I’m 32. I live in Colorado again, with my mother. I spent 10 years out and about in the country, married for almost 8 of those 10 years. I got divorced 4 years ago and settled in to stay with my mom. The events that led up to, and followed my divorce were rather devastating, so it took a few years for me to climb out the hole I fell in to.

My journey began this week as I opened my eyes to life, for the first time since I was 19 years old. I realize I am a little old to be starting a self-discovery journey, but better late then never, right? 🙂

Over the past year, I have learned how to deal with my anger and passive-aggressive personality. I am a better person now, but not yet where I want to be.

I am in the process of applying to colleges right now, so I can start doing the things that I have always wanted to do with my life. Sure I’ll be about 12 years later than most people, but that’s okay! I’ve always thought I had a young soul anyway, and age is only a state of mind.

My inspiration for my life change came from a song.

Its a slow process, but I’m on the right track. And someday, I hope to make my family proud of the person I have become.