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Self Help

It has been quite some time, yet again, since my last update. It’s a dirty little habit that I have: out of sight, out of mind. Couple that with my new philosophy regarding not posting negativity and that gives me very little to write about. For the past month or so, I have been one big ball of rage; angry at everything. It was not a good time to update anything. I am still somewhat in that frame of mind, but I am hoping by posting some positive stuff that will help push me out of it.

I am poor. That is not something I hide. I do what I can, with what little I have. I do not enjoy being poor, and I am working towards fixing that situation by getting a college degree. I live with my mother. Not something I am proud of, but even if I had a very good paying job, I would still live with her. Why? Because I need someone who has my back, due to my mental illness. I need someone who can save me from myself, and someone I can trust. I trust very few people these days. I do not live with her because I am mooch, or because I don’t want to support myself. It actually pains me a great deal that I am so dependent on another person and don’t have the personal freedoms most adults have. If I had the means, things would be different. I am working towards gaining the means.

Why do I bring this up? Because my sister is jealous of me. I don’t know why. But it is the only explanation for her behavior and why she is constantly throwing untruths in my mom’s face in order to victimize herself. She has a perfect life. A husband, two children (a boy and the world’s cutest little girl), a house, a good job, steady income. Everything every American dreams about having. But she’s not happy. She jealous of me, and my brother. My brother is also working towards improving his quality of life. I just don’t understand why it’s such a thorn in her side.

I have a wonderful relationship with my mother. We talk like adults; like friends. We trust each other. We can argue and disagree with each other and make up just the same. There are no grudges or hard feelings. But with my sister, any disagreement at all is the end of the world and marks the end of the “relationship”. She won’t talk to my mom like an adult. She doesn’t trust her and refuses to keep her informed about anything relevant. Yet she continues to complain about being “left out” by my mother and “ignored”. She did it to herself. How can she not see that? Pete and I both talk WITH our mother. Jennifer talks AT her. I can see what a drastic difference that makes in the quality of all of our relationships with our mother.

I pray a lot for my sister, that she will someday see the world for what it is, and not what she thinks it is or what it can offer her. I pray that she lets go of her anger and is able to see that change begins with the self, not the people around her. I pray that she matures enough to realize that our mother is an adult, a woman, a human being and treats her as such. I think once she realizes that she will have the relationship she wants with her.

I cannot afford therapy or classes to help myself, but I can read books and take online courses. I have been working on myself since January 2010. I have learned to control my anger and I am on the path of letting go of passive-aggressive behavior. I can recognize my role in any given situation, and act accordingly. When my attitude or problems are affecting others, I step back and reevaluate what I am doing. I admit my mistakes and shortcomings. I know I am only human and I am not perfect, even though I strive to be perfect with everything I do. I know that self-help can only go so far when I have clinically diagnosed mental illnesses, but they are helping me cope a lot better than I used to. I am grateful I had the change of heart that I did. My only regret is that it didn’t happen sooner, before I wrecked nearly every friendship and relationship I had.

I look back at who I used to be and laugh. I was such a silly fool. But I know I had to be, in order to be the person I am today. And despite feeling down lately, I know I am a much, much better person and I am on the right track with my life. I just have to be confident and strong. I have to remind myself to be patient, because it won’t happen overnight. The payoff will be completely worth it.

I graduate March 24th, 2011. I will have my first college degree. That is quite an accomplishment for me.

I am almost done writing a complete novel. I have over 100k words, and just one scene left to write. I never thought I would accomplish that. And November 1 is when NaNoWriMo starts and I plan to write novel number 2. Someday, I hope they can be published. I would love to be able to give back to my mom, to repay her for all she has done for me during the hardest and darkest years of my life.

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