My plan is to take the next few months to finish my book, so I can start sending it to publishing houses, then I will enroll for my Bachelors Degree in Healthcare Management.

I’m still going to occasionally write in this blog. I know it’s uninteresting to the rest of the world, but I enjoy going back over it once in a while to read.

So I want to believe in synchronicity.

Most people that know me, pretty much think I’m off my rocker, mentally-challenged, ignorant or unintelligent. I rarely get credit for being smart, except for the few folks that I let in to get to know the real me. I suppose I play up the ‘dumb as dirt’ stigma that people attach to me sometimes, because it’s easier than arguing. Because when I do show my true knowledge on a subject, it seems to make people uncomfortable and argumentative. As if I could know more about something than them. As if! Anyway, my theories on life and the universe seem to be rather “out there” and contrived from my imagination. I use logic as I know it to come to my conclusions, which rarely, if ever, meshes with other people’s views on life.

But I don’t care. I like believing that there is more out there than the mundane. I believe in magic, and the power of our imagination and creativity.

Now, having said that, which, I had no intention of saying in the first place, I will get on with my silly little anecdotes that I actually did want to share.

Last Mother’s day, I mentioned the silly “coincidences” regarding the adorable server and the carnation he gave to me. That is but one example. Here’s another:

When I dream, sometimes I dream in mini-series. Sometimes they’re semi-lucid, but usually they’re not. I will dream the same scenario with the same players/characters for over a week straight until the story plays out. I personally believe I need to write these stories, but alas, I lack the time or motivation to write silly stories with bizarre plot holes. Afterall, my mind is a very strange place, and my subconscious creates some rather odd situations and imagery.

My recent dream series involved me being a nanny for a family similar to Dexter’s on the Showtime TV show. They had the same names, but were different, and the children were two adolescent girls named Astrid and Ellie. (Astrid comes from the show, Ellie does not). I don’t want to get into details, because I get embarrassed to write about my dreams, but I met a detective for Miami Metro named Jeff. His last name was never very clear to me, other than the letter ‘n’ somewhere in it. His physical appearance was very familiar to me too. He looked sorta like the male member of the band, Eden’s Edge: Dean Berner.

The reason that is significant, might seem silly. When I was young, around 4th or 5th grade, I had a best friend named Janice. She was very big into occult things, which I don’t know why, because her parents were very Christian. But also, at that age, I was very naive and ignorant on the world, so I pretty much believed anything anyone told me, as long as it sounded neat and made logical sense to my 10 year-old brain. Also, I had an interesting way of viewing the world through my naive kid glasses, so my memories from childhood are a lil skewed to that view point.

One day, just out of the blue, Janice called me. “I got a message for you,” she said to me.

“From who?”

“I don’t know, but it came to me today while I was sitting in my room. So I had to confirm it with my Ouija board.” (Note: at this time in my life, I was scared to death of ouija boards. And Janice was a very firm believer in the messages they gave. In hindsight, I know it’s just child’s play, but I believed it back then.)

Scared, I asked what the message was, hoping it wasn’t the same as the last message I got from her board. She took it to school to let the class play with it, and it said the devil was going to get me. After that, the rest of the school year, my classmates were leery to be around me. It sucked. I cried the rest of the day, and had to have the counselor reassure me that a board game wasn’t going to get me. I of course, didn’t believe her.

“You are going to marry a man named Jeff Burner,” she said. She didn’t spell it out, however, so I assumed that’s how it’s spelled.

“Uhm, okay.”

End of conversation. I didn’t know what to do with that information, because I was only 10. But that name got ingrained into my psyche and every time I heard a name similar, I couldn’t help but wonder.

So back to my latest dream series. Jeff, with a mysterious last name, who looks like Dean Berner (pronounced, I assume, just like Burner).  I did not make the connection right away. Instead, I was bored and decided to look up photos of Eden’s Edge to see how much the guy from my subconscious looked like the one he’s apparently modeled after. (similar, but not exact, in case anyone’s wondering). But what jarred me was his name. As soon as I seen it, I was like, “Yes, that’s Jeff last name … wait … that’d make him Jeff Berner…”

And there is yet another silly example of the synchronicity in my world. I do not believe this means I am fated or connected at all to the singer. I do not see this as signs to go fangirly all over the singer either. What I see this as, is positive signs that maybe the story my subconscious was trying to tell is one worth elaborating and expanding on. Worth writing.  Maybe that little dream series would make an entertaining story, because obviously something happened to make it worthy to mention here in the first place, right?

I am poor. That is not something I hide. I do what I can, with what little I have. I do not enjoy being poor, and I am working towards fixing that situation by getting a college degree. I live with my mother. Not something I am proud of, but even if I had a very good paying job, I would still live with her. Why? Because I need someone who has my back, due to my mental illness. I need someone who can save me from myself, and someone I can trust. I trust very few people these days. I do not live with her because I am mooch, or because I don’t want to support myself. It actually pains me a great deal that I am so dependent on another person and don’t have the personal freedoms most adults have. If I had the means, things would be different. I am working towards gaining the means.

Why do I bring this up? Because my sister is jealous of me. I don’t know why. But it is the only explanation for her behavior and why she is constantly throwing untruths in my mom’s face in order to victimize herself. She has a perfect life. A husband, two children (a boy and the world’s cutest little girl), a house, a good job, steady income. Everything every American dreams about having. But she’s not happy. She jealous of me, and my brother. My brother is also working towards improving his quality of life. I just don’t understand why it’s such a thorn in her side.

I have a wonderful relationship with my mother. We talk like adults; like friends. We trust each other. We can argue and disagree with each other and make up just the same. There are no grudges or hard feelings. But with my sister, any disagreement at all is the end of the world and marks the end of the “relationship”. She won’t talk to my mom like an adult. She doesn’t trust her and refuses to keep her informed about anything relevant. Yet she continues to complain about being “left out” by my mother and “ignored”. She did it to herself. How can she not see that? Pete and I both talk WITH our mother. Jennifer talks AT her. I can see what a drastic difference that makes in the quality of all of our relationships with our mother.

I pray a lot for my sister, that she will someday see the world for what it is, and not what she thinks it is or what it can offer her. I pray that she lets go of her anger and is able to see that change begins with the self, not the people around her. I pray that she matures enough to realize that our mother is an adult, a woman, a human being and treats her as such. I think once she realizes that she will have the relationship she wants with her.

I cannot afford therapy or classes to help myself, but I can read books and take online courses. I have been working on myself since January 2010. I have learned to control my anger and I am on the path of letting go of passive-aggressive behavior. I can recognize my role in any given situation, and act accordingly. When my attitude or problems are affecting others, I step back and reevaluate what I am doing. I admit my mistakes and shortcomings. I know I am only human and I am not perfect, even though I strive to be perfect with everything I do. I know that self-help can only go so far when I have clinically diagnosed mental illnesses, but they are helping me cope a lot better than I used to. I am grateful I had the change of heart that I did. My only regret is that it didn’t happen sooner, before I wrecked nearly every friendship and relationship I had.

I look back at who I used to be and laugh. I was such a silly fool. But I know I had to be, in order to be the person I am today. And despite feeling down lately, I know I am a much, much better person and I am on the right track with my life. I just have to be confident and strong. I have to remind myself to be patient, because it won’t happen overnight. The payoff will be completely worth it.

I graduate March 24th, 2011. I will have my first college degree. That is quite an accomplishment for me.

I am almost done writing a complete novel. I have over 100k words, and just one scene left to write. I never thought I would accomplish that. And November 1 is when NaNoWriMo starts and I plan to write novel number 2. Someday, I hope they can be published. I would love to be able to give back to my mom, to repay her for all she has done for me during the hardest and darkest years of my life.

I grew up being told that when a guy gives a girl flowers, however long they last shows how much he loves her.  Cut flowers rarely last beyond two weeks, so if they last longer, the guy really loves the girl. When I told my ex that I wanted a divorce, as a last ditch effort, he bought me flowers for the first time (lack of romantic gestures like giving flowers was one of the many things I mentioned in my “I want a divorce” speech.)  It was a very beautiful, very large bouquet of flowers. It last maybe a week, and that’s being generous. I even tried to take care of them, to make them last because they were so pretty. And the frugal tightwad in me wanted to make sure it wasn’t 80 bucks wasted, even if not my own money.

Okay, so…

On Mother’s Day this year (May 8th), my brother, sister w/ her family, and I took my mom to her favorite restaurant for dinner–Black-Eyed Pea. It was quite an adventure, and one that I won’t go into details about. However, there is one very important detail I do want to mention, and that is the adorably cute server we had. I was sitting next to my one year-old niece, so keeping an eye on her was top of my focus, but I still managed to steal a glance or two towards the server.

At the end of the meal, being that it was Mother’s Day, the servers were handing out carnations to all of the mothers dining there. It’s a sweet gesture for the restaurant. I also know it can be difficult to distinguish which women had children and which ones didn’t and it’s polite to just let all the woman have a flower. I’m used to that on Mother’s Day.

I am handed a pink carnation by the cutie-pie server. I think nothing more about it, because I merely was admiring this man, nothing more, even if there is a little girly voice inside of me squealing like a Beiber fan. When we got home, my mom put the two carnations (her’s was yellow, which was even sweeter, because we got flowers in our favorite colors) in a pot I had previously been trying to sprout strawberry seeds in. The pot didn’t have any holes in it, so it was holding water pretty well. We set them on the porch and the pot filled with water during our week-long rain storm.

Fast-forward to June 1st. I was coming up the walkway towards the front door and I glanced at my flower pots (I have basil, sage and thyme in them, so I was checking to see if they looked healthy) and I noticed my strawberry pot, filled with water still. The yellow carnation had long wilted, but I noticed the pink one still looked vibrant. It struck me as odd, because they were both put in the pot at the same time. That, and it was three and half weeks since we got the flowers.

It’s been a week since I noticed the flower, and it has now wilted. But the fact that it lasted until June looking healthy made me think of that superstition that my mother taught us about how the flowers last because of love.

Mom and I went to Black Eyed Pea for dinner for their Chicken-fried Steak Monday special. I did not see the cutie-pie server at first, so I figured he was not there. We had a nice girl serving us that was a little air-headed. To my surprise, the cute-pie server brought our food out to us, despite that he was not our server. Made my night. <3

(( I do not think the server loves me. Do not be mistaken. I just thought it was a cute and silly notion, worth writing about, because it could make for a sweet and romantic scene in a future story. I want to start using this blog for things like documenting my inspirations and things. ))

I would like to just document what is going on, either uplifting, happy, sad or otherwise. That way, I will still feel motivated to update, even if things aren’t going so well.

Now, why is this post called, “Growing Up”? Well, because I feel like I am finally growing up. Maturing. Reflecting back on my actions and the way I reacted to things in my past showed me how incredibly immature I have always been. It took 31 years for me to finally become an adult. Now, I am not talking about tossing out the toys and cartoons and exchanging them for the NYSE tickers and NCIS. No, I am talking about how I handle every day tasks and how I relate to other people. I still love cartoons, I still play video games and collect certain toys. My room still has life-size cardboard cutouts of Darth Vader, Stitch, Mushu and Alice with the Chesire Cat. I also still enjoy a good fart joke.

So what has changed? My perspective on other people. I no longer see the world with me as the center. I can see other people’s point of view, and I am not quick to judge or criticize. I realize that I never will know the whole story behind why people do the things they do, so I don’t jump to conclusions that put me at the center of the slight. The biggest change though, is that I accept that I am real, I am human, and I can’t live my life in a video game where I take the relationships personally. I will never meet any of the people on the other side of the computer, so I don’t care what they think about me. I no longer need the validation of being awesome in that fantasy world, because real life is so much better. Bumpy roads, grey clouds and all.

I am spending a lot of time trying to redefine myself, so that my sole descriptor isn’t “gamer”. I invested in some new hobbies to see if I have aptitude for sewing and sculpting. I spend more time with my mom as well. We have our nights where we set aside time to watch some prime time TV together. (True Blood is coming in 4 weeks! woo!)

I am writing, too. I have half of a novel’s first draft complete. I have the world-building and outlines done for 3 other novels. I am working on gaining the courage to let other people read my work still. But my ultimate goal is to complete a novel, not necessarily sell one. Though it would be awesome.

I am still in school. My graduation date is still set for the end of December, and my GPA is currently 3.91. It will most likely go down when this sessions grades are posted though, because I am struggling with CPT-4. The teacher is way more strict with getting the exact numbers, without hints, second chances, or leeway, than my ICD-9 teacher was. She won’t even tell me what I am doing wrong, just that I am “making several different mistakes one code after the other”.  The more I learn about coding (any system) the less I like it. However, I do like HIM, so I decided I want to be an RHIA (Registered Health Information Administrator) so I will be signing up to get my Bachelor’s degree.

I planted some herbs this year too, because a couple of months ago I learned that I love to cook with herbs and fresh ingredients. Not the “cooking” I was taught growing up (bland survival meals: meat and potatoes with just ground hamburger, potatoes and water) but the kind you see on Food Network. I also have become incredibly addicted to Caprese salad. I eat it nearly every day for lunch. I don’t know the health value in it, but at least there is no sugar or carbs in it. Cooking is an expensive hobby, so I haven’t delved as deep as I would like.

We have an addition to the family as well. A long-haired chihuahua puppy that my mom named Coco. She’s a chocolate brown color, so the name kind of fits. She is still very co-dependent, having never slept a night not next to me. My schedule keeps me up all night, so she sleeps in the chair curled up next to me. Sandy doesn’t quite like her, or at least, she pretends she doesn’t. She acts like if she gets too close, she’ll get cooties. But when no one’s looking, she plays with the puppy.

I have been doing a lot of reading this past week. Not just my normal paranormal UF fiction either. I have been trying to teach myself new ways of creative thinking and bought a book to help. It’s a goldmine. But that’s not what I got up to write about. I wanted to write, briefly, about two topics weighing heavy on my mind lately.

I recently read a quote, and I can’t remember who said it, but I think it may have been Jack London. “You can’t wait for Inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.”

I have been thinking a lot on that quote, and it dawned on me. That’s always been my excuse. “I am not inspired” I use that as my excuse to not get things done. I know that is probably obvious to everyone that knows me, but it wasn’t to me. I genuinely thought I needed to wait for that flash of inspiration to do anything creative. But now that I know, and I have admitted it to myself, I can change it.

I am going to go after inspiration with a club!

The other thing I wanted to touch upon was an extremely odd occurance from this evening. My mom and I went to Hancock Fabrics with the goal in mind to look at sewing machines and hopefully purchase one as well as the material I would need to tackle the 3 projects that have been stewing in my mind lately.

Upon crossing the threshold of the store–which was settled in between a BigLots! and the Wheat Ridge post office–I was washed over with feelings of unwelcome dread. These feelings were incredibly intense. Unlike anything I have felt in years. Even the lighting and visuals in the store began to feel distorted and washed over with an unhealthy orange hue. Truly bizarre. I decided to shrug the feelings off as just a random paranoia thing, and kept going further into the store towards the sewing machine display. But the further into the store I went, the more uncomfortable and unwelcomed I felt. It got so bad, that I thought I was going to vomit. I turned and quickly started heading for the exit, telling my mom that I needed to get out of there before I threw up all over the place. She just followed behind.

Once we were outside, I just stood there for a few minutes and felt worlds better. The nausea was completely gone and I didn’t have that dreadful feeling looming over my head. And I turned to look in through the glass storefront and the store looked fine, no orange hue inside.

I asked my mom how she felt inside, without telling her what I experienced, other than the nausea of course. She said, “I felt very awkward and unwelcomed. I don’t know why.” I then explained that’s the feeling I got as well.

I have no idea what happened, or why it happened to both of us (mom didn’t feel nausea) but I got the distinct feeling we were not meant to be in that store. Wether it was the store, or some other force telling me to not get a sewing machine to complete projects is still a mystery. One that might be solved when I get up, and mom and I make attempt number 2 at going out to get a sewing machine. Only this time, we’re going to Joann Fabrics in Westminster.

I am a very superstitious person. I do things untraditionally, that Christians would not feel comfortable with, but they feel right for me. I believe myself to be an empath, with higher-than average strength with my sixth sense. So when crazy things like this happen, yes, I immediately start thinking that it is something not of our nature giving me signs. I trust my intuition and first impressions. They rarely have let me down.

If anything bizarre occurs at Joann’s, or doesn’t for that matter, I will be sure to note it. For research purposes more than anything. For now, I need sleep, because it is nearly 6 am and I have to be up in a few hours.

So things are looking up. Stress levels around the house are at an all time low, and I dare say I am happier than I have been in a long while. Last year, I started working on a complete self-makeover, from the inside out. I know I still have a long ways to go on my emotions and social problems, but I am back on the right track! For this year, I have started working on the outside. I am eating healthier, getting out more, and taking better care of my outward appearance. I have been feeling great, too. I feel the SUPERSTAR has made a triumphant return!

2011 I am aiming to be better than 2010. I had some pretty awesome moments and breakthroughs in 2010, so I am pretty confident.  My resolutions for 2011 are to be more proactive and to be less angry.

I am in the middle of my Pathophysiology with Pharmacology II and Career Planning classes. I am not doing as well as I would like. I got my first F on an assignment in the biology class, which is a huge hit to my pride, because I have never in my life gotten less than A in a biology class. Not even in high school. The F did not come from me not knowing the material either, because I do. It came because my PowerPoint presentation didn’t look like how the teacher wanted, despite her never once telling the class how she wanted it. I feel it’s unfair. And she won’t let me redo it. I do not like this professor. My final grade can’t be any higher than a B, so she’s ruined my 4.0 GPA.

On the other hand, I am doing a lot better in my Career Planning class than I had anticipated, so it almost balances out. Almost.
On Dr. Phil recently, he did a show about high school and college students that cheat and will do anything to get A’s. And he made a really good point that if you are learning the material, and maintaining a healthy life outside of school, who cares if you get B’s? They are only grades. So I decided to not stress out about assignments anymore, even if the upcoming one in CP is a mock interview video.

I am considering switching my degree. The further I get into the program and the more I learn about actually landing a Coding job, the more I realize I am going for the wrong degree. It’s very limited in what it qualifies me to do. I dropped an email off to my advisor to see what it would take to switch to a General Studies degree, so I can then just enroll for the Bachelor of Science Business Administration degree afterwards. I could still get work in a medical office with that degree paired with the medical classes I have taken. I would have more options for where I could get work that way, too.

Hopefully, a better update sooner than 6 weeks next time. Something worth reading at least!

So now time for insightful words.

Damn, don’t really have any yet.

How about updates?

Okay, those I have. School is going well. I have maintained a 4.0 GPA and I am currently taking Pathophysiology with Pharmacology and Healthcare Management. There’s about 3 weeks left in the session and I will be starting Pathophysiology with Pharmacology II and Career Planning on January 2nd. Each class is getting harder and harder and requires more time spent studying and doing homework. I don’t know how single mothers with jobs are able to keep up, because some weeks, I can barely keep up myself.

The Holidays will be stressful this year, because there is very little money and we’ve got a mess to deal with. I won’t elaborate for personal reasons. I am going to make candy, like I do every year, but I am trying a few new things and a couple new truffle filling recipes. I am going to make petit fours this year too. They’re delicious. The portions I mail out will be smaller than normal though.

My reading has slowed a bit now that I have to dedicate more time to studying. However, I am currently reading the Dresden Files (only on book one still) and I have Crescendo waiting for when I finish Dresden Files. Crescendo is the sequel to Hush, Hush. A pretty entertaining YA book about a fallen angel.

I have a new story I am working on writing as well. I haven’t added it to my writing journal yet, but I will soon as I get time. It’s a fun little story that I work on when I feel bad, because it helps me feel better due to the humor of the characters. As most of my stories are, its an urban fantasy. Sort of a cross between Dresden Files, Harry Potter, X-files and Men in Black. Its not a ripoff or fan-fiction, but the premise is most similar to those, to give an idea. In this story, wizards rule the (under)world mafia-style and the supernatural citizens all work towards making the normal humans think the unexplained happenings are the fault of aliens, which don’t really exist. The main character is unique and as far as I know, something no one has used. I hope.

Grant’s mum asks me why I don’t just write about normal stuff. Like romance. lol If she only knew … I have so many germinal ideas for romance books it’s not even funny. I just haven’t put effort into writing them because I feel a little weird about it. It’s stuff that appeals to me and my libido so I worry about feeling exposed. I dunno, someday I will pen them I imagine. At least even if only for writing practice.

I will try to write more substance. I should be able to now that the source of my strife will be gone soon. Hopefully I will be back to myself before long. I miss me.

For me, nothing could be further from the truth. I have no updated this blog in a while because I made a promise to myself last year that I would not speak negatively about anyone on the internet ever again. And the last month and half or so have been difficult on me. I did not relapse, thank goodness, but I did end up taking a few steps backwards.

A change in my living conditions caused a tremendous amount of stress on me, for many reasons. Most I won’t go into details, because I don’t want to air dirty laundry of those involved. The issues that effected me directly however, I do want to write about, in hopes that it can bring me a little bit of peace. I have four new house guests, and each one represents a stereotype that I am not initially comfortable with. I lost my comfort sphere, and when that happens, I tend to freak out. For lack of better words. It has been a month already, and I am still trying to adjust. I do not hate these people. Far from it actually. But living in close proximity to people that represent things that make me feel bad is tough. But the one thing I have learned about myself, is that once the freaking out is done and out of my system, I am adaptable.

I lost a lot; physically, mentally and emotionally, through this. I nearly dropped out of school, I lost my sweet kitty, I lost my chance to get a job for this coming tax season and I lost a bit of my personal progress. But, I will just grow from this experience, and I am letting it fuel my desires to better myself, instead of letting it defeat me. It is also great practice for my new ‘anti-passive-aggressive’ attitude towards things.

The past two months have not been all bad. I reconnected with Shane, a good friend that I met back in 1999. He’s doing so well for himself and I am so proud of him. I wish someday he will be able to see that. I also got my first Mac last week, which has been an awesome adventure. I now know how PC newbies feel when first turning on their new computer. It’s all so foreign. haha

School-wise, I am doing ok. I am on the Chancellor’s List, and getting A’s, but I don’t feel I am learning as much as I need to be. I also found out that my degree program is being discontinued, so I have to pick a new one soon. Since I already have a few medical classes under my belt, I am going to just switch to a different healthcare degree program. Maybe Administration, since it feeds directly into the Bachelor’s program. My other option is Health Information Technology, which is a bit stricter than the AS program. But it seems like it will be more rewarding. I need one more class in order to qualify, then I will have to take a background check, and entrance exam in order to go into the HIT program. But I have a few weeks still to decide.

I am glad I chose the healthcare industry. Recent government reports say that healthcare will be the industry leader in new jobs until 2018, as the population ages and requires additional medical care.

I gave up my gaming addiction several months ago, because I finally recognized how toxic it was. I still play on occasion, when I have a couple hours to kill, but otherwise, there’s other things I would rather do. I am still working on my novel, too. I don’t do as much art as I used to, but I am hoping that changes with my new Mac and that massive Adobe Master Collection to go with it.  I could totally make epic videos… if I knew how or had something pertinent to show the world. haha

My brother-in-law has started pushing my sister and I to starting our business. We started making chocolate candies as a hobby, and I have been making them every Christmas to send out instead of purchased gifts. He says we should totally start selling them online and at craft fairs, because they’re really good. (and because he wants some of his money back for all that’s put in to the chocolate for our experimenting.) While I can’t eat peanut butter, I hear the peanut butter cups my sister makes are divine. My specialty is homemade marshmallows and truffles. I made about 12 dozen candies (yes, over 140) recently, and sent about 9 dozen to Shane and my family polished the rest off. It’s fun to play in chocolate. If I could do it as my job for the rest of my life, I would be in heaven!

1 a : a result of perceiving : observation b : a mental image : concept
2 obsolete : consciousness
3 a : awareness of the elements of environment through physical sensation <color perception> b : physical sensation interpreted in the light of experience
4 a : quick, acute, and intuitive cognition : appreciation b : a capacity for comprehension

My perceptions have been altered drastically over the course of the last 19 months. My universe, my reality, was flipped upside down. And it wasn’t because of some earth-shattering experience or tragic occurrence. I just happened to “wake-up” one day. That day, I looked at the world with a new perception; with different eyes. I don’t know what caused the change, but I am grateful it happened.

So what did change exactly? Well, the way I see myself, for one. And the way I see my relationships with others, for another. My entire outlook on life changed.

Myself:
I have mentioned this a couple times before, but I used to see myself as the helpless victim. The person who was only trying to do right by people, but always seemed to be tossed out with the garbage anyway. I never understood why every relationship (friendship, or otherwise) ended up that way. But I know now. I thought I knew the world. But I really had no idea.

It’s hard to put into words exactly what has all changed and how. I just know that I see things differently now. I can see other perspectives. I can relate a bit better. And the biggest change, I know that honesty really is the best policy. (I wasn’t an out and out liar, but I hid the truth from people whenever it was bad news)

These days, I know that I am only the victim of myself. I have no one to blame for things, but myself. But I am changing that. I’m a ROCK.STAR now. The only person who can stand in the way of my dreams, is me. And its my problem, if I let other’s stop me.

Relationships with Others:
No agendas. No hidden motives. Nothing but honesty. I speak my mind now. I use tact still of course, but I want people to be able to trust me, to know where they stand with me. I don’t sugar coat anything anymore. I am just me. If people don’t like what I have to say, I have accepted that is their problem, not mine. I don’t need to impress anyone but myself, so I don’t kiss anyone’s ass, nor am I a ‘yes-man’ anymore.

Forgiveness is the number one thing I have learned in my path of anger management. So my relationships with others have improved since I have been able to forgive. Also, I am only  hurting myself by holding on to grudges, and its not healthy. High blood pressure and all.

Life:
Life is to be appreciated, and loved ones cherished.

There is a big world out there, beyond my perception. I have only been given glimpses, but I understand now that it’s out there. And people live the way they want to live, and it’s not my place to judge that. I am allowed to not agree with everything, and I am entitled to my opinions. But so is everyone else on the planet.

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I appreciate the gift I have been given and the chance to make things right. I am only saddened that it came when I am 32 and considered ‘old’. I feel like I started 10 years too late. But I had 10 years of living in isolation in the recesses of my mind. I still have a lot of life ahead of me, and I will make the best of it.